"Clings tight to seal in freshness"
"Stretches to cling tight"
Caution: SHARP CUTTING EDGE- AVOID CONTACT.

Men, women are the edge and when our eggs are released the last thing we
want, is them hard boiled and wrapped in cling wrap.
Yes, you heard me. I'm being disgusting, I just mentioned our eggs fresh
from fallopian tubes, you know, the last subject on earth any normal human
being wants to address but Lozzy gave me complete and utter total creative
license and now you have to suffer.

I've been sent by GLAD to fill you in on a few details about Clinginess.
Firstly, it is not appealing. There are two types of people in this world,
you're either a clinger or a non clinger. I used to think it was one extreme
sport or the other. Loz tried to prove me different, but if we could use her
as a urine specimen you will note, that she failed miserably and I am always
right, and modest.

Every good man and his dog should have an extra rectangle box of GLAD wrap
in their third drawer from the left of the epicentre food cupboard, with the
lone shoelace and your report card from 1967. Notice how in the 80's they
called it cling wrap? Well, to females, the word cling is now politically
incorrect and offensive and the death penalty is burning rats trapped in a
cage eating a hole to burrow out through your intestines. So if you're a
clingy male, unless you can find a clingy female- you are utterly doomed
when it comes to love and should spend your life trying to find a caramel
moove box in some yellow dumpster and cry over the fact that the drop you
just spilled, was going to be your chaser after the metho.
GLAD FOOD freshness GUIDE. Found on the back of any box of GLAD wrap that's
been purchased in this century will also double up for the rules of the
dating game. If you follow these rules, then you are on the way for
successfully planting the female radish seeds of victory, and will no longer
be the loser who missed his god given right for a better sex life. I give to
you GLAD's sealed in freshness stamp of approval. Tick.

*Always clean hands and surfaces prior to handling foods.

We females are the food. Succulent, and full of fat, we need to be handled
tenderly before we're accordingly devoured whole. So please, especially
B...., take a shower before you come near us. Did you know that a male's
scent is the first thing that draws attention from a female? So if you
invest in some Calvin Klein, little pecker and your desirable female, will
be mostly impressed. Orgasmic.

*Keep perishable items in the coldest part of the fridge

Sadly enough, all good things come to an end, and I have noticed it seems to
slam you males like a sledgehammer to the thumb, and you always pretend to
be so tough: The truth is, we females have a perishable date, if you look at
our left armpit, you will find, admist the stubble, that we have a date
where we get up and leave you for dead. I have a friend who knew the date of
his girlfriends period, I don't know if we want you to go that far but when
you see the warning signs of becoming a clinger, it means back up, jump off
a cliff screaming "Yankee Doodle Dandle".

Girls seem to like their men to be hard to get. I get told off on a
regular basis because I tell the significant other how I feel. This is not
desirable simply because, harsh reality, once a person knows they can have
someone, they think they can do better and aim for higher standards.
Unfortunately, you lose desirability points in a relationship, and that's
why couples begin to stray. This is a cruel cycle though, because once
they've lost the person that wasn't so desirable, they know they've lost an
opportunity, and begin to doubt their decisions. It's a shame, but that's
why none of us are virgins, because life screws us all.

You know when things are suss in your relationship when:
* She can't look you in the eye, or any other body part
* She stops touching her hair the second she catches sight of you
(it's a female instinctive to smooth her hair the moment she sees the guy
she likes)
* She avoids your phone calls and any previous dates you may have
planned

I can't be fucked listing more, Loz knows more about it than I do, it's been
a long time.

* Don't store uncooked meat in the fridge for more than 3 days

This has two meanings. Firstly, it's sexual innuendo for the male private
part and if it's kept in the fridge for more than three days then it may as
well be wrapped up in cling wrap and forgotten about behind that jar of
mayonnaise and head of shrivelled lettuce.
Secondly, it means that if you can't take a hint after three days that your
smothering us with your clinginess, then you have no chance of ever getting
back our interest. Timing is big, if you don't make the right moves then you
don't get a checkmate and should stick to solitaire.

Last point: To enable you to identify contents and age of frozen items,
label and date bags before freezing.

Feelings change in a relationship, and nothing lasts forever. Everybody has
to accept that people change, that everybody has flaws and you have to
identify that each female is different and can't live up to any other
person's expectations barr her own. Accept that, and relish the good
memories, not the bad and always be thankful of the time you spent together
before the relationship went off. Chances are you bought home brand cling
wrap instead of GLAD. So convince your mum to buy GLAD because your too
dysfunctional and tapped in the head to buy real condoms and you'd prefer to
make your own with a rubber band and ask the chick to spray herself out with
coke. Hey, it works.

Food Freshness and safety is the responsibility of all that are in contact
with food (us women). Simple common sense practices (your newly found
initiative after reading my advice) minimize bacteria growth ( our repulsion
to your clinginess) and keeps food fresher longer.
You can always count on GLAD.
* STICK 'N' STAY SPOT
* STARTER TAB
* END OF ROLL ADVICE

www.glad.com.au